Power/Shame

This past weekend, one of my favorite bands dropped their newest album. Bastille has been teasing the songs that were going on this album for a year and they finally released "Wild World" in full and I have been listening to it nonstop. The first time I saw Bastille live was in December of 2013. I was lucky enough to be on the front row and it was truly one of the most amazing concerts I've been to and my emotional connection to Bastille has grown stronger ever since.

Taken by Lauren Anderle December 2013

Listening to their new album, I've realized how important this band their music is to me. Last year at a concert in Denver, I met a girl who had practically dedicated her life to Bastille. 

She had an albatross tattoo on her neck and she had followed the band across the country and had met them several times. These are the kinds of fans that Bastille inspires. Even though I haven't followed them from California to Maine, this band has always had a place in the deepest part of my heart for years and I am ecstatic every time they release new pieces of musical genius.

I could probably write a post about every single Bastille song but for now, I'll start with "Power" from their new album. 

"Power" is about a toxic relationship and how it feels to be in a place where you are letting someone have an enormous amount of control and influence on your life. I swore I would never let myself get to the place where I was changing myself for someone else and stuck in a place where I felt like I would do anything just to keep them in my life. 

I got to that place.

 In a worse situation than I could have predicted. I got to a place where I would have cut off an arm, gone blind, taken hundreds of bullets for this person. 

As a result I cut off my own control of my life, became blind to how deep I had gone under, into a coma of needing to please. I took every bullet, every criticism, every effort to control. I felt like I needed to. 

I needed to do Anything to keep him.

From the outside, it seems so ridiculous to stay in that situation, dangerous even. 

Abusive, toxic relationships are as dangerous as it gets. 

Self-inflicted blinders that keep us from seeing exactly how far we've gone under. Justifying everything with this twisted kind of love that we think is the exception to the rule. 

I wasn't the exception.

Being so deep, it hurt all the more when it was over.

It still hurts.

I was so far gone, my entire life was him. 

We never spent more than a few hours apart during our regular routine. Meanwhile my body was fighting against it. My body knew exactly how wrong it was. My body rejected being in such a confining place. The pain lasted for months and finally started to lessen when he set me free...The second time.

The first time was more pain than I could have ever imagined. The feeling of an icy fist squeezing my heart until it was pulled out through my stomach.

The grief was too much. Crying wasn't enough, I had to scream to let the emotion out. 

My legs couldn't even support me, I sank onto all fours and vomited when I let myself feel everything in that moment.

I never want to feel that again. I don't think I could survive it. That kind of heartbreak is something that should never be experienced.

As I'm writing this post I feel like I should add another Bastille song from "Wild World" to this post. "Shame" is applicable to how I felt at the end of the relationship.

The fact that you showed no remorse, no compassion. 

Nothing of the person that I had fallen in love with. I told you that I felt as though I was talking to a stranger and you told me that it hurt to hear that. Yet later admitting that moment was when you "stopped being me and started being who everyone else expected me to be."

That was when I realized. You really have no concept of what you did. The damage inflicted on yourself was obvious to you. That's what pained you. How much you had changed. How much you were going to hurt after the fact. How everything that had happened between us was going to affect you. 

The focus that you had on yourself was astounding.

The loss of concern for me and how I was going to be affected was sickening.

If that's the person that you think the people that love and care about you expect, than they don't really love you. As much as you may hate to admit it, I got to know you better than anyone else ever has. I fell in love with that person. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with that person. Toxic as the journey may have been, the raw emotion and connection was undeniable. That's why screwing it up hurts so bad. It's the ever-present question of "What if?"

I never want to go back to where I was three months ago but the amount of scars you left me with is visible to anyone who speaks to me.

My parents believe I will never be the same. My older brother is worried he will never get his sister back. My best friend is heartbroken that I won't let him in. That I can't let him in. The trust I put in you and you subsequently shattered, has left me more broken than anything I could have imagined.

All of that being said, I am doing my best to be better. I let myself be vulnerable and it was terrifying but now I think it's a matter of putting my trust in the right people for the right reasons that's going to help me the most.

You're supposed to look at failed relationships and look at things you learned with gratitude, not bitterness or any kind of grudge. 

I wish more than anything that I could put my pride away and say thank you for the lessons I learned because of you. 

Because of us.

But I'm not ready for that yet. And I don't think I'm supposed to be ready considering what we went through. 

After all of this, I'm still grateful for my ability to feel. Real, raw emotion may hurt more than anything, but it's also the first step to feeling that real, raw emotion that will bring me more happiness than anything.

Aim, throw your best shot right at me

Cause pain, I can take it easily

Did you really think I'd fall to my knees

Just to pray for some sweet simplicity?

Cause woah, you're squeezing my heart, too hard in your bare hands, they hold too tight

And woah the air is on fire, this room feels electric, caught here in your sights

Power, power

I will never understand the power you were holding over me

Power, power

Oh you've had it too long, yes you've had it too long

Pain, just synapses firing in our brains

So when you cut me, cut me deep

Hurt the ones you love the most easily

Cause in time we show our Achilles's heels

And woah, you're squeezing my heart, too hard in your cold bare hands, they hold too tight

And woah the air is on fire, this room feels electric, cord here in your sights

Power, power

I will never understand the power you're holding over me

Power, power

Oh you had it too long, yes you had it too long

If you're gonna hit me, hit me harder

(Hit me, hit me harder)

Cause you better knock me out the first time

And if you’re gonna do this rip the plaster

(Do this with the plaster)

If you're gonna hit me, hit me harder than this

Power, power

Blows my mind to think I ever let you hold it over me

Power, power

I will never understand the way I let you hold it over me

Power, power

Well you had it too long, yes you had it too long

Power, oh, oh, power, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Power, power

I let you had it too long, yes you had it too long

Shame:

There is no love lost here between us

Where are those friends who pulled no punches

Shock from my hip with one another

We got so far from them

We're miles from way back when

I'm so nervous saying this out loud

As the words roll off my tongue and out my mouth

I can see a change, I can see a change in you

I see it coursing through your veins

And it is a shame, oh it is a shame on you

I barely recognize your face

And I don't like what I'm seeing lately

I don't like who I'm seeing lately

So many seasons fell beneath us

Too many voices on our shoulders

I miss us dancing through the same noise

But here we are my friend

We're miles from way back when

I never knew that I could be slowed down

I never knew that I could be slowed down until I told you

I can see a change, I can see a change in you

I see it coursing through your veins

And it is a shame, oh it is a shame on you

I barely recognize your face

And I don't like what I'm seeing lately

I don't like who I'm seeing lately

Maybe I'm living in the past

Who am I to judge

I'm the worst of all

Some things are better left unsaid

But I miss the person I knew before

I can see a change, I can see a change in you

I see it coursing through your veins

And it is a shame, oh it is a shame on you

I barely recognize your face

And I don't like what I'm seeing lately

I don't like who I'm seeing lately

I don't know who I'm seeing lately

I don't know who I'm seeing lately