Dance Little Liar
It's about time I put an Arctic Monkeys song on this blog. This band is incredibly important to me and this song is a perfect anthem for my past few days.
Someone who was one of the most important people in my life,
someone that I thought I could trust with anything,
someone who I believed to have been as vulnerable and broken with me as I was with them,
Lied.
About everything.
Not only did they lie about themselves, they lied about me. They told vicious lies to people who were extremely close to me and even people who were almost strangers.
When asked directly why the lies were told, why they thought it was necessary to turn me into a horrifying beast, all they had to say was: "I'm not a good person."
This person who has known me longer than anyone in my life besides my own family, who has let me cry on their shoulder about my deepest heartbreaks, someone who I thought I could trust with being honest about their darkest parts.
Lied.
I knew you were prone to the over dramatic and exaggeration. I even knew to question nearly everything that came out of your mouth.
I just never thought you would lie to me about that.
Why would you lie about that at all?
You've watched your friends go through hell as they grew up and learned about themselves. Your life never had that constant element of pain and heartbreak.
Was that your way of relating?
I think a larger part of it was that you crave that attention.
That was your way of making your life more "exciting."
I realize that now looking back.
My entire life, I was constantly struggling with something: mom, school, brothers, mom, mental illness, money, boys, mom, self-worth, mom.
Your home was an escape for me, a place where anything was possible. It was a place where I could go and not have to worry about those problems, if only for a few hours.
I could go and feel loved and appreciated and worth something.
Your house was always a place of love and acceptance. I craved both of those things so much it hurt, and that's why you and your friendship was so important to me.
But suddenly it seemed those things that I envied you so much for weren't enough for you.
You weren't getting the attention you thought you deserved.
Someone else seemed to always come first.
I wonder what that was like, to only have one other person in the way of undivided attention.
But somehow this wasn't enough. You couldn't handle coming second. You needed to be the center of everyone's lives.
At all times.
You ran out of ways to get attention.
So you made yourself a victim.
You monopolized everyone's problems and pretended to make them your own.
People were vulnerable with you.
People trusted you.
You always had to have more problems.
You always had to be more sad and broken than everyone else.
You always had to move the attention onto yourself.
The lies continued to get bigger and more frequent.
They spun out of control.
You lost your grip.
You didn't even have to think about the lies anymore, they just came naturally.
And then you got caught.
And then, you continued to lie.
You got caught in your web and your only route of escape was to do what you do best.
Make excuses and become the victim.
You refused to accept responsibility.
There's always an excuse isn't there?
"I'm a bad person."
"I'm really messed up."
"I don't know what reality is anymore."
"I don't know why I did it."
Really? That's the only explanation you give for lying about your best friend?
Your best friend who has always kept your secrets. Has never treated you like you deserved anything less than the very best. Has defended you til she was blue in the face.
How did you do that?
How did you get me to start making excuses for you?
How did you get me to defend your behavior when it seems like you could care less about me and my feelings?
Were we even a part of the same friendship? Or was I just someone who gave you attention and listened to you and validated your issues?
In the moment I thought that we had never been closer, you were lying. I thought we had been through something that we could share and help each other through.
You took my vulnerability and turned it into a piece of gossip to make yourself seem like the freaking victim.
Again and again.
Why?
Why me?
What on earth did I do to make you feel like I deserved to be ostracized by people that mean so much to me?
"I thought you hated me."
So that's validation for the explicitly, vicious, thought-out, consistent, wicked lies you told about me?
"You've been really distant."
How could I be close to you again after I realized what you had been doing?
I started becoming distant after I became so emotionally drained that I wasn't even trying to take care of myself. I was so exhausted from worrying about you. Your problems always taking center stage. Every conversation had to veer into your lane. Which always had to be worse than mine. Even after this exhaustion began, I never did anything but love you. I never lied about you.
I never talked about you to gain sympathy.
How the hell did you do that?
How did you use me to gain even more sympathy?
You ran out of lies to tell about yourself.
You weren't getting attention for the things you were saying about yourself anymore.
So obviously I was the next choice?
How could you do that?
WHAT DID I DO.
I can't even see myself telling those lies about someone who had severely wronged me, let alone my best friend.
That would never even cross my mind.
I wouldn't be able keep up.
You said you loved me to my face and turned me into a villain behind my back.
How do you do that?
How do you lie so easily and then act like everything is normal?
What in the hell made you think any of this was okay?
You changed.
You're not the same person you were a year ago.
That's when the lies started.
That's when the light started dying behind your eyes.
That's when my best friend died.
That's when this unrecognizable monster took her place.
This lying, greedy, manipulative monster.
I felt sick when you looked me in the eyes.
That's when I realized how far you had pulled me in.
You really are a great actress.
I heard the truth was built to bend
A mechanism to suspend the guilt
Is what you are requiring still
You've got to dance little liar
Just like those fibs to pop and fizz
And you'll be forced to take that awful quiz
And you're bound to trip and she'll detect the fiction on
Your lips and dig a contradiction up
And the clean coming will hurt
And you can never get it spotless
When there's dirt beneath the dirt
The liar takes a lot less time
I'm sure it's clear and plain to me
It's not an alibi you need just yet
Oh no, it's something for those beads of sweat
Yes, that we'll get you back to normal
And after you have dabbed the patch
You'll grieve and then proceed to scratch
The varnish off that newly added calmness
So as not to raise any alarms too soon
And the clean coming will hurt
And you can never get it spotless
When there's dirt beneath the dirt
The liar takes a lot less
Time to decide on his saunter
Have you got itchy bones?
And in all your time alone
Can you hack your mind being riddled
With the wrong memories?
And the clean coming will hurt
And you can never get it spotless
When there's dirt between the dirt
Someone who was one of the most important people in my life,
someone that I thought I could trust with anything,
someone who I believed to have been as vulnerable and broken with me as I was with them,
Lied.
About everything.
Not only did they lie about themselves, they lied about me. They told vicious lies to people who were extremely close to me and even people who were almost strangers.
When asked directly why the lies were told, why they thought it was necessary to turn me into a horrifying beast, all they had to say was: "I'm not a good person."
This person who has known me longer than anyone in my life besides my own family, who has let me cry on their shoulder about my deepest heartbreaks, someone who I thought I could trust with being honest about their darkest parts.
Lied.
I knew you were prone to the over dramatic and exaggeration. I even knew to question nearly everything that came out of your mouth.
I just never thought you would lie to me about that.
Why would you lie about that at all?
You've watched your friends go through hell as they grew up and learned about themselves. Your life never had that constant element of pain and heartbreak.
Was that your way of relating?
I think a larger part of it was that you crave that attention.
That was your way of making your life more "exciting."
I realize that now looking back.
My entire life, I was constantly struggling with something: mom, school, brothers, mom, mental illness, money, boys, mom, self-worth, mom.
Your home was an escape for me, a place where anything was possible. It was a place where I could go and not have to worry about those problems, if only for a few hours.
I could go and feel loved and appreciated and worth something.
Your house was always a place of love and acceptance. I craved both of those things so much it hurt, and that's why you and your friendship was so important to me.
But suddenly it seemed those things that I envied you so much for weren't enough for you.
You weren't getting the attention you thought you deserved.
Someone else seemed to always come first.
I wonder what that was like, to only have one other person in the way of undivided attention.
But somehow this wasn't enough. You couldn't handle coming second. You needed to be the center of everyone's lives.
At all times.
You ran out of ways to get attention.
So you made yourself a victim.
You monopolized everyone's problems and pretended to make them your own.
People were vulnerable with you.
People trusted you.
You always had to have more problems.
You always had to be more sad and broken than everyone else.
You always had to move the attention onto yourself.
The lies continued to get bigger and more frequent.
They spun out of control.
You lost your grip.
You didn't even have to think about the lies anymore, they just came naturally.
And then you got caught.
And then, you continued to lie.
You got caught in your web and your only route of escape was to do what you do best.
Make excuses and become the victim.
You refused to accept responsibility.
There's always an excuse isn't there?
"I'm a bad person."
"I'm really messed up."
"I don't know what reality is anymore."
"I don't know why I did it."
Really? That's the only explanation you give for lying about your best friend?
Your best friend who has always kept your secrets. Has never treated you like you deserved anything less than the very best. Has defended you til she was blue in the face.
How did you do that?
How did you get me to start making excuses for you?
How did you get me to defend your behavior when it seems like you could care less about me and my feelings?
Were we even a part of the same friendship? Or was I just someone who gave you attention and listened to you and validated your issues?
In the moment I thought that we had never been closer, you were lying. I thought we had been through something that we could share and help each other through.
You took my vulnerability and turned it into a piece of gossip to make yourself seem like the freaking victim.
Again and again.
Why?
Why me?
What on earth did I do to make you feel like I deserved to be ostracized by people that mean so much to me?
"I thought you hated me."
So that's validation for the explicitly, vicious, thought-out, consistent, wicked lies you told about me?
"You've been really distant."
How could I be close to you again after I realized what you had been doing?
I started becoming distant after I became so emotionally drained that I wasn't even trying to take care of myself. I was so exhausted from worrying about you. Your problems always taking center stage. Every conversation had to veer into your lane. Which always had to be worse than mine. Even after this exhaustion began, I never did anything but love you. I never lied about you.
I never talked about you to gain sympathy.
How the hell did you do that?
How did you use me to gain even more sympathy?
You ran out of lies to tell about yourself.
You weren't getting attention for the things you were saying about yourself anymore.
So obviously I was the next choice?
How could you do that?
WHAT DID I DO.
I can't even see myself telling those lies about someone who had severely wronged me, let alone my best friend.
That would never even cross my mind.
I wouldn't be able keep up.
You said you loved me to my face and turned me into a villain behind my back.
How do you do that?
How do you lie so easily and then act like everything is normal?
What in the hell made you think any of this was okay?
You changed.
You're not the same person you were a year ago.
That's when the lies started.
That's when the light started dying behind your eyes.
That's when my best friend died.
That's when this unrecognizable monster took her place.
This lying, greedy, manipulative monster.
I felt sick when you looked me in the eyes.
That's when I realized how far you had pulled me in.
You really are a great actress.
I heard the truth was built to bend
A mechanism to suspend the guilt
Is what you are requiring still
You've got to dance little liar
Just like those fibs to pop and fizz
And you'll be forced to take that awful quiz
And you're bound to trip and she'll detect the fiction on
Your lips and dig a contradiction up
And the clean coming will hurt
And you can never get it spotless
When there's dirt beneath the dirt
The liar takes a lot less time
I'm sure it's clear and plain to me
It's not an alibi you need just yet
Oh no, it's something for those beads of sweat
Yes, that we'll get you back to normal
And after you have dabbed the patch
You'll grieve and then proceed to scratch
The varnish off that newly added calmness
So as not to raise any alarms too soon
And the clean coming will hurt
And you can never get it spotless
When there's dirt beneath the dirt
The liar takes a lot less
Time to decide on his saunter
Have you got itchy bones?
And in all your time alone
Can you hack your mind being riddled
With the wrong memories?
And the clean coming will hurt
And you can never get it spotless
When there's dirt between the dirt
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